Mental Head Slap!

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Hey everyone!

So I’ve been working long hours on my upcoming novel FAUXMANCE to the exclusion of pretty much everything else. Except hitting up garage sales. And dog sitting. Still, I’ve been glaring at the kitchen calendar and trying to figure out how many pages I need to write/edit each day to have the book finished by mid-August.

Answer: 12 pages. Every. Single. Day.

Let me put this in college student terms: an essay and a half a day.

So you can see why I thought it might be a good idea to confirm with my rock star editor when the manuscript was officially due. Just in case, I had made some kind of mistake. And boy, had I gotten it wrong.

The novel I’ve been freaking out about? Yeah, it’s not due until DECEMBER!

*Insert celebratory dancing here*

But since I’m a neurotic freak who obsessively sets her own deadlines, I’m going to try to stick to August. Although, I certainly feel better knowing that the extra time is available.

So how did I celebrate?

Well, I caffeinated up and started writing.

Only one glitch…I over-caffeinated. As in, my right eye is twitching, my heart is pounding extra fast and I’m fighting the urge to burst into raucous laughter and then bawl my eyes out. All because I went from my standard tall drink from Starbucks to a grande today.

Never. Again.

The last time I felt this exhausted, it was because I had pulled an all-nighter reading romance novels. When my mom came into my room to tell me Something Important (not that I can remember it now) I could have sworn that she was speaking in another language. Which isn’t very good since English is her only language. I think I should go to sleep now.

Or maybe read Ally Carter’s The Heist Society until I crash.

I’m only 60 pages into it and it’s already one of my favorite reads of the summer. And the sequel is out! I love waiting to start a series when multiple novels are already in circulation. Then I’ll hole up and do full on marathons!

I’m tempted to do a Heist Marathon: I’ll read Heist Society and then watch White Collar.

I’m so hooked on this show. In fact, it’s the reason I keep trying to case museums and find out what’s hot on the black market.

Maybe, I’ll throw in a bit of Leverage too!

Leverage is totally Oceans Eleven meets Robin Hood.

Then I’ll sandwich it with Uncommon Criminals by Ally Carter.

I can do that, right? Now that I know my official deadline is in December, it’s okay!

I can already picture my mom reading this and shaking her head in dismay. And since I’m actually on a roll with my writing right now, I’m not sure it’s the time to indulge in my So Great it’s Criminal marathon.

But I highly recommend that other people do it and then rub my nose in how wonderful it was so that I’ll write even faster!

I’m guessing my logic is faulty somewhere in that convoluted mess but the caffeine is telling me that I don’t actually care.

Yeah, it’s definitely time to crash now!

Goodnight, everyone!

More later,

Marni

Christmas in July

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Hey everyone!

So…I know tis not the season yet. In fact, the only people who seem to have been infected with holiday cheer are the people selling Christmas ornaments and twinkle lights at garage sales. If I had a penny for every time I saw an ugly candy cane pin or Santa Claus necklace…I could buy a grande drink at Starbucks with the earnings.

So wonderfully tacky.

And yet even though we’re in the month of fireworks when Old Navy insists that I need a new wardrobe for upcoming camping trips…I’m secretly in December.

You see, I’m working on a holiday themed novel so I need to get into the feeling of the holidays. Which ought to include carols except…most of them annoy me. Maybe because I’ve gone on too many trips over the holidays where reggae versions of Here Comes Santa Claus played on an endless loop. Let me assure you it did not put me in a jolly mood.

The exact opposite of jolly, to tell the truth. I began contemplating the many ways I could destroy the plastic Welcome Santa that belted out holiday tunes at anyone unfortunate enough to go near the damn thing.

Nevertheless here I am, in July, fa la la la-ing as I edit away. I have found that singing usually helps curb my impulse to bury my head in a blanket and screech, “OH MY GOD, THEY’RE GOING TO FIND OUT I’M A TALENTLESS HACK AFTER ALL!”

It’s really a shame I don’t have any musical ability. I’m trying to belt out All I Want for Christmas is You when my mom isn’t around to hear it. The only concern is that I may inadvertently upset neighbors into filing a noise complaint.

Considering that sort of happened at school once…I feel the concern isn’t entirely unjustified.

I’m actually enjoying my Christmas experience. Which is kind of funny because as a Jew I usually have a hard time getting into the spirit of things. When I was at my friend Gwyn’s house I always had a blast decorating the tree and admiring our handiwork. But at school…I felt left out. To be fair, there aren’t that many good Channukah songs out there.

Which is why the first time I saw Candlelight by The Maccabeats I may have teared up. Just a little.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qSJCSR4MuhU]

But for some reason Christmas in July is really nice. Maybe because I’m choosing to listen to the music instead of being bombarded by Christmas everywhere I go.

So if I appear even more oblivious than usual, it might have something to do with the fact that I’m pretending it’s December.

Although there are a few other reasons I’m excited about December.

Reason #1: I will have graduated from Lewis & Clark College.

Reason #2: I might be spending the holidays in Kenya/Tanzania.

Reason #3: AWKWARD will be closer to its release date!

Clearly, lots of excitement in December. But I’m looking forward to a wedding that’s only a few weeks away now! Especially since I can certify that the dress will be 100% sequin-free. Sadly, the same can not be said of my mom’s rugs. And the first week in August I’m flying to Portland for the Willamette Writers Conference where I’ll be on a panel with Laurie McLean and Grace Ledding.

That’s going to be even better than Christmas in my opinion!

So I’ve got lots to look forward to…just as soon as I finish writing this freaking book.

Sigh. So true.

That’s all for now, folks!

~Marni

The More Things Change…

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Hey everyone!

I distinctly remember where I was at this time last year: editing and writing like a fiend. I was also majorly freaking out. See, I was about to attend the Willamette Writers’ Conference and my manuscript wasn’t finished and something appeared to be wrong with my nose since the frigging thing wouldn’t stop running and I had to keep telling people that I had no back up plan if this whole “writing thing” didn’t work out!

Every now and then I would consider my chances of finding employment at the local frozen yogurt place.

Skim to none.

And here I am one year later. I’ve got a rock star agent, a four book deal with Kensington Teen and people don’t ask about my back up plan anymore. I’ve traveled to Thailand, Cambodia and Australia. I’ve even discovered the wonders of allergy medication!

But in the summer it feels like my life has stayed the same.

Which I actually find quite comforting. I’m still spending it pounding away on my latest manuscript. I still babysit for the same family.

The kids still make fun of me.

I even dogsit for the same pooch!

Norm an’ Bates!

So much has changed for me and yet it’s only when I start rattling them off that I find myself nodding and thinking, oh yeah, I didn’t just imagine that. It really happened. To me. Wow!

You might remember in my last blog I mentioned that I was anxiously waiting to hear something? Well, I’ve heard.

I’m going to keep things nice and vague so that I won’t get in trouble.

Basically there was a big opportunity I was hoping to get, but it’s not going to work out right now.

The funny thing is that I’m not even upset. At all. Technically, what I got was the nicest sorry-we-can’t-do-it-right-now/rejection a girl could ever hope to receive. I had sort of expected that getting turned down would put me in a week-long funk that might involve copious amounts of raw cookie dough.

Instead, I’m actually enjoying that right now that project is one big question mark filled with possibilities. And some of those very real possibilities are the stuff that Marni fantasies are made of. Best of all, I have a sneaking suspicion that next summer (while slaving over yet another manuscript) I will ponder all that has happened since this blog post and shake my head in disbelief.

As my agent Laurie McLean put it: onward and upward!

~Marni

SPARKLES!

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Hey everyone,

Okay, so you probably know about MarniBates.com by now since you’re reading this post here…whatever. I’m still excited about it. In fact, I was so excited to see who would be the first friend to comment on my website that I stared at my Facebook screen for hours.

And it took people forever to notice.

(Laura F. You were the first non-relative! You get *FIFTY Marni Points!)

Or maybe it only felt that way. I’m lacking in the patience department. Don’t believe me? There is a Very Important Meeting that a Very Important Person is having about me tomorrow and I roughly calculated the number of minutes until I was likely to hear about how it went.

1,680 minutes was my conservative estimate.

I’m sure my super agent Laurie McLean really appreciated that I did the math for her. And then excitedly tweeted her with my calculation. To be fair, I have yet to tweet a revised countdown. I see this as a step in the right direction.

Anyhow, as soon as I have clearance to share about this meeting, I’ll be sure to blab blog all about it here.

So keep checking in.

In other news…I went shopping for Formal Attire. Since I’m going to be a panelist at the Willamette Writers’ Conference from August 4th to the 7th, I have to look classy. Impressive. Mature. Or at least, you know, not fourteen. People tell me all the time that someday I’ll be glad that people think I’m a solid seven years younger than I am, based solely on the cheerful plumpness of my face.

But how should someone even respond to that? “That’s nice of you, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to look like a wrinkled old crone. Maybe I’ll have better luck in my next lifetime?”

Shrug.

Anyhow, I spent this 4th of July putting money back into the American economy. Which earns me *FIFTY Patriotic Points! Or it would if that factored into my decision at all. But it didn’t. My aunt’s discount coupon was about to expire. That earns me *FIFTY Thrifty Points!

I’m having too much fun with my points system.

So back to real news…I sort of messed up my mom’s home computer when I tried to link my laptop to the printer. This story does have a happy ending though. You see, after I spent hours trying to fix the bloody thing, I called in a computer repair guy. He was so impressive! He was working on three computers at once and he was able to work printer magic too! I half expected him to turn to me and say:

“000000100001100110000001000011110011”

Alas, he did not.

But because of his ability to communicate with machines due to his own robotics fix things, I printed out pictures of celebrities I can easily picture playing my characters if it were a movie. I’m going to do a storyboard/collage so that I can visualize it in a whole new way! I’ve also been editing the book (Even though it’s not complete yet, there is a method to my madness!) and I’m getting a really good feel for my characters.

Between the website, the collage, the editing, the family in town, and the babysitting…I’ve been pretty busy lately.

But I’ve made room for one last thing: SEQUINS!

My close family friend is marrying my cousin’s half-brother (we set them up!) and my aunt is making her wedding gown. The material is just stunning. There is only one problem: it looks like a sparkle factory blew up and this beautiful off-white lace wasn’t able to flee quickly enough.

So I have been pulling out sequins. Lots and lots of sequins.

But when she walks down the aisle in her gorgeous, one of a kind, non-sequin dress, it will all be worth it. Plus I had no idea what to get her for a wedding present since she refuses to do a gift registry.

Now you’re all caught up on the recent SEQUINS of events.

(Gotta love a good pun. Or a really bad one!)

More later,

Marni

*Marni Points earn exclusive bragging right but are otherwise meaningless 🙂

*Patriotic Points are best handled with extreme caution.

*Thrifty Points earn more bragging rights. And visits to used clothing stores.

Welcome to MarniBates.com!

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Hey everyone,

IT’S HERE!

I am officially online. Okay, so I’ve been on Facebook and Twitter for a while now, but there was no one place for all things Marni Bates. I’ve fixed that now!

It’s making me this happy:

So…you can find blog posts and videos and a contest and…all sorts of cool stuff. Just remember that with your help we can incorporate new bits of awesomeness, like AWKWARD book trailers. And an AWKWARD photo contest! And AWKWARD-ness.

I’ll be sure to post more later. In the meantime, I hope you explore the site and have fun!

~Marni

Tuning out the "I Suck" Playlist

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Hey everyone,

So a few weeks ago I was on Twitter reading all these very witty comments other authors had posted (and feeling rather insecure about my writing) when I found this jewel: Libba Bray’s blog post on the “I Suck” Playlist.

Everyone should read the full post here: http://libba-bray.livejournal.com/

But for those of you who don’t have the time/interest, here are the tracks:

Track #1: I Suck
Track #2: I’m Not Smart Enough to Write This Book
Track #3 No, This Is Different 
Track #4: Maybe I Could Become a Firefighter/Gravedigger/Finger Puppeteer
Track #5: I Suck, Parts IV-VIII
Track #6: Why Can’t I Write Like (Fill in Blank)?
Track #7: This Doesn’t Happen To (Fill in Blank)
Track #8: Will You Help Me Fake My Death/It’s the Only Way/My Life in a Storage Unit Medley
Track #9: I Suck (Extended Dance Remix)
Track #10: What Was I Thinking?
Track #11: This Is Hopeless! (DJ Flail ‘N’ Whine Mix)
Track #12: So Overwhelmed I’m Underwater 
Bonus Track: Also, I Hate My Hair


I cracked up when I read this because every single track felt so incredibly applicable to me. And when I read on about how during every novel she tells her husband that she can’t do it and her other successes were a fluke, it made me feel better about myself. Because at some point during each of my books I get this overwhelming feeling like I’m some talentless punk kid who doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing. And that fear spins itself out into my amazing editor shaking her head in regret for signing on with me and my fantastic agent scrounging through her purse to pay for groceries.

The rational side of my brain knows that this is utter nonsense. 


But the “I Suck” Playlist tends to drown out rational thought.


So then, instead of writing, I obsess about writing. I watch way too much television and wonder if it really is too late to join the CIA or even better yet, Witness Protection Program so I would have a good excuse to avoid everyone who wants to know how the book is going. Sometimes I will do something that masquerades as work. I have a lovely character collage now that took me way too long to create. I have detailed outlines. I have lists of potential title names. All of which is great–it’s just not writing.


So when I finally returned home to Ashland, Oregon after spending so many months traveling it was easy to unpack my suitcase, flop across my king-sized bed and flip open one of the many books that were waiting for me. But the whole time I was inwardly freaking out.


This post has a happy ending though. See, my mom is part mountain goat and a firm believer in the power of a long walk as a mind-clearing aid. So I told her about the characters I had created and how my problem was that the damn thing had no plot and that’s not exactly something you can fake. And she listened and tossed out some ideas and for roughly a week nothing seemed to be happening. I advanced a little but never enough to give me a sense of anything close to satisfaction. Mainly, I gritted my teeth and growled at my computer.

And then yesterday, it happened! I suddenly understood what was going to happen next and best of all, I liked it. I switched off the “I Suck” playlist and got down to work. And, yes, it is work because even when I love what I am creating it rarely (if ever) feels easy. But at long last that missing sense of satisfaction in creating something good returned and reminded me why I spend my days staring at a blank screen and trying to fill it.

So here’s my recommendation for anyone battling the “I Suck” Playlist, whether it’s for writing or drawing or accounting or anything, really. Try going for a walk. And whining productively with someone who helps you brainstorm solutions.

And, okay, maybe the “I Suck” playlist hasn’t completely left me. But it’s been muted to a level where I can ignore it enough to write. Fingers crossed, I’ll be able to tune it out for the rest of this novel. And my next one. And the one after that.

But I seriously doubt it. The “I Suck” playlist is kind of like Justin Bieber’s song Baby: you might hold it in contempt but that doesn’t mean you’ll be able to get it out of your head.

More later,

Marni

What I Couldn’t Tell You . . . Until Now!

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Hey everyone,

So, erm, some of you may know that I have trouble keeping my own secrets. Especially if it involves something simultaneously embarrassing and hilarious. For example, the way I single handedly broke the showers in the girls locker room at college. The water temperature knob popped off into my hand. Twice.

Did I mention that the second time I turned the place into a freaking sauna?

Accidentally.

And both times I had to drip over to the front desk, teeth still chattering after scuba diving in the pool for three hours, to request some help from the maintenance department. Fast.





That particular story made it around the family gossip lines in roughly eight hours.

So it was really hard for me to keep my big mouth shut when I received an email from KTeen that included my cover for AWKWARD.


But now that it’s been cleared . . .

I love it. The first time I saw it I was camping at Lamington Plateau (in Australia) but I had escaped to the nearby resort to reconnect with civilization. My homesickness was catching up with me and getting hit with a few days of sleepless nights didn’t help. So I was ready to hand over my bank account for some Internet time and when I saw my book cover sitting in my inbox . . . well, I freaked. I think I showed it to everyone who worked the reception desk. Of course when a girl suddenly gasps, starts muttering “oh wow! It’s here! Oh my god!”, laughs at herself and then does a bizarre happy dance with a MacBook perched on her lap . . . you generally want to know what happened. The Aussies were very excited for me.

My first instinct was to forward it to every single member of my family. But if I had done that I would have been receiving emails from the couple who used to hire me to dogsit (yep, dogsit, best job ever) about how much they loved my cover. Within 24 hours. And even though I wanted to share my secret with the world, I was under strict instructions to keep it underwraps.

I don’t know how spies don’t crack under the pressure of keeping so many secrets. I’d make a truly awful one. I’d probably return from a top secret assignment, call up my mom and say “Guess what? I stopped a nuke from entering Pakistan today. From now on you can call me Marni “Non-proliferation” Bates. Or maybe: Bates. Marni Bates. Okay, gotta run. The Department of Homeland Security is calling me. So needy.”

Yeah, it’s a good thing I never pursued a life of secrecy. Or crime. Or accounting.

I managed to keep it a secret but that didn’t stop me from doing a lot of really embarrassing happy dances (in private). This book cover made my three book deal feel real to me.

My first YA novel is going to be released in the spring of 2012 and this is the fantastic cover that the outstanding marketing department from Kensington created. This is the image I can think of when I describe AWKWARD to other people.

The part that may never cease to amaze me is the name written on the bottom left side . . . yeah, that’s me!


Craziness!


But I have to say . . . it feels absolutely fantastic!

More later,

Marni

Houston, we have Marni.

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Hey everyone,

So . . . I’m in Houston! And so far I’ve been having a wonderful time in Texas. I haven’t actually done all that much yet, primarily I’ve been riding on the back of my cousin’s scooter to bookstores and coffee shops. I really missed reading in Australia, especially because when I am in Portland I regularly go to the library, check out five novels and then read them over cheap Thai food. I now associate romance novels with Pad See Eew noodles. Yum!

But recently I associate everything with hopping on a scooter since that is Abbie’s preferred method of traveling. At times this makes me feel Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday.

My cousin has not let me drive yet. But that slightly manic grin looks identical to mine.

When I do not feel like Audrey Hepburn, however, I feel like the Random Girl from Bourne Identity. I’m sure she has a name, but let’s be honest: no one really cares what her name is since she’s only in the first movie before she winds up dead. Her role is just to look hot and play Jason’s love interest while he tries to discover himself. Yawn. I think it would have been great if she had asked him for a few minutes in a bookstore. Given all the time they spend using various means of transportation, a good book would have come in handy . . . I’m just saying.

“I don’t need money, Jason. But that half-priced bookstore over there looks awfully good . . . meet up in five minutes?”

Back to my point. Sometimes on the scooter it feels like we are in a massive chase scene as we speed down long stretches of highway with the wind slamming against my face. It’s a lot of fun. Then we hit a small pothole and I clutch even tighter to my cousin and do my very best not to “Eeeep!” shrilly in her ear.

Since I have always (not so secretly) wanted to be a badass, I’ve been having a great time seeing Houston this way. I just haven’t done too much writing lately. As in . . . virtually no writing lately. And I’d be tempted to say “time to buckle down, Marni!” in my most serious you’re-in-big-trouble voice except . . . Meg Cabot’s book ABANDON comes out in stores today.

You know what that means . . .

I’m not going to be sleeping tonight!

Seriously, I do not know how to quit reading a good book. It’s so hard for me to “find a good stopping place” the way that my Grandma suggests when she catches me sitting in the bathroom at 2am during family vacations. I only know of one good stopping place. The end.

But this means that I’ll blog about it quickly and then I’ll get to work.

Maybe . . .

More later,

Marni

Goodbye Australia! Hello Texas!

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Hey everyone,
I am officially on vacation in beautiful Australia! I took my last college final of the semester yesterday and now have one last day at a gorgeous ecolodge in the Glasshouse mountains to relax. Best of all, though, I am officially done with science! It’s a tad bit lowering to admit but one of the reasons I chose Australia for my study abroad program was because it would fulfill my science lab requirement.
To be fair, I really didn’t want to take that at Lewis & Clark College. That would involve me sitting in a classroom listening to someone ramble about things that would most likely end in osis or otics that I would find difficult to pronounce, challenging to spell and impossible to remember. See, I like the idea of being a well-rounded individual. That’s why I chose LC in the first place. It’s a small, liberal arts college that promised to transform me into a smarter, more articulate version of my high school self. Sold.
           
But then I actually had to take science and math classes. Suddenly I was all for maintaining my edges. Who needs to be well rounded, really? I mean, when was the last time that knowing the Pythagorean Theorem proved handy during, say, a classy dinner when you were wanting to impress somebody? It’s not like you can casually work it into the conversation.
Me: Oh you know, A squared plus B squared equals C squared, that’s what I always say. My mantra for life. Oh, what was that, Holly? What are my plans for the future? That’s rather Nostradamus-esque of you, now isn’t it?
Yeah, I think not.
Anyhow, my last final has been taken and my science requirement has been fulfilled. I also know my class schedule for next semester.
Art and Culture of Japanese Tea Ceremony
2D Drawing
Great Ideas in Physics
Senior Seminar on Henry James with The Incredible Rachel Cole
It’s going to be grueling because I could be taking walk/jog three times (seriously, that’s a class) but as long as I had The Cole, yeah, I don’t stand a chance. All of my really smart friends were crying over it last year. As in, they showed up to our Brit Lit class and one of them would say, “I had a complete meltdown in her office. She handed me some tissues” while the other girl nodded as if that were perfectly normal. Then again, English Major #2 would usually console English Major #1 by saying, “oh yeah, I’m going to see her after class today. That’ll definitely happen to me too.”
???
Horrifying! Especially since they were studying Nathaniel Hawthorne and from what I’ve heard he is significantly more fun than Henry James. Then again, I’ve heard that every author in the English language is significantly more fun than Henry James. Not that I’m nervous or anything. I have merely accepted that this class will crush my soul in the best of ways and have decided to more on.
Speaking of moving on . . . this will probably be my last post from overseas! I am headed to Houston, Texas next to stay with my cousin for an undetermined amount of time. I am very excited about this. One of the first things I will have to track down is Thai iced tea. I don’t know what is wrong with Australia in this respect. They are significantly closer to Thailand. There are Thai places all over the fricking place. Yet, none of them offer my favorite beverage.
Australia is weird.
But now that my time here is coming to a close, I have to say there are parts of my journey that were absolutely phenomenal. I think my person highlights were the week long Aboriginal immersion camp where I actually created my own, ahem, garment for the traditional dance night, the week at Heron Island where I felt like I was in a snow globe except instead of glitter I was surrounded by iridescent fish . . . and (on a less profound note, perhaps) my week at Arundel House in Sydney where I got to hang out with some seriously great Aussies.
I’ve also collected some pretty amazing embarrassing moments from this trip. They will make excellent fodder for future books, I’m sure. Plus they have given my fellow classmates plenty to tease me about throughout our journey. The worst was when I got distracted while cooking and decided to pan-sear my pre-made ravioli instead of boiling it. I’ll never live that mistake down. Then again, it has gotten me out of cooking duty a time or two.
So who is laughing now!
Actually, they are. At me. Still.
But back to my point. I’ve had some great times in this wonky country and I think I will find myself missing it, especially when Portland is wet and freezing cold. Since Portland is almost always wet and freezing cold, I may find myself reminiscing more often than I expect. In any case, I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the stunning beauty of this country as well as the outrageous niceness of most of the people I’ve met here. From bus drivers in Brisbane, to bartenders on Heron Island, to college students in Sydney—everyone has been great.
It’s definitely been an experience. But I will admit, I’m ready to have more adventures in Texas where I can actually get cell phone reception. And go to libraries. And buy books without bankrupting myself. And talk to people without this stupid time difference tripping me up. Oh, and use the INTERNET without crashing the system!
So . . . you could say that I’m ready to go home. 
But despite all of that: Australia, you will be missed.
More later,
Marni

Back to Nature

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Hey everyone,
Okay, don’t get me wrong; I love Heron Island. It’s absolutely stunning here with waters streaked with teals and royal blues. Plus have I mentioned the sea turtles? Yeah, that’s not going to get old anytime soon.
But as great as it is to go on a night snorkel expedition hyperaware that a shark might appear at any second, I think I’m poorly equipped for island life. I love the Internet—Facebook, Twitter, Gmail . . . it’s all too great for me to ever permanently hole up on an island where twenty minutes of access costs three bucks. Plus, I’d go broke. Oh, and I’d have to take a two hour long ferry just to access a library. Thanks, but no thanks.
I’ve never been one of those “back to nature” people. I find it ridiculous to mourn for the good ol’ days that were never that good in the first place. Who really wants to give up having a flush toilet? For a short while, okay, not a problem. But that’s only because you are getting an “experience” that will “build character.”
Although when was I ever lacking in character? Common sense, perhaps. But character? I don’t think so.
I remember back in high school when I went on an eight-day school sponsored hiking trip. It was hell. My “buddy” had a crappy attitude so she dragged her feet and whined about everything. Her pack was too heavy, her feet were sore, her legs were tired even the trees were stupid. She made my Jewish grandmother look like a novice at complaining—not an easy task. But the worst was yet to come. While I was out purifying drinking water for the group, she was supposed to learn how to make a tent out of found objects and a tarp. Except this particular girl had nonexistent listening skills. So I returned with water to discover that everyone else knew how to create a shelter except my partner. Then it started to drizzle and everyone was too busy fixing their own tents to help me catch up. That’s when the rain kicked into high gear. I spent the night shivering uncontrollably, soaked to the point of pruning, while my “buddy” told me at great length about how hot Halle Berry looked in tight leather pants in Catwoman. Not a topic I had initiated or wanted to hear about, actually.
All of this, mind you was after my nosebleed and before my twenty-four hour solo “adventure” where I sat alone in the woods eating raw Top Ramen and trying to think like the transcendentalists. Mainly what came to mind was this: hmm . . . the trees sure look beautiful. Is that profound? Nope, not really. Horribly cliché, actually. Man, this sucks. Crap, I’m supposed to be meditating or connecting with nature or something. Ohm . . . ohm . . . ohmy god, when will this end!
I was so damn happy to get home it’s entirely possible that I cried. Opening the refrigerator was akin to a religious experience. Fresh salad has never tasted so good.
For the record: I do appreciate nature. Oregon is one of the most beautiful states in the U.S. because you get to enjoy each season to the fullest before the next one kicks in. That’s probably why I find it bizarre the way that Australia stays in a perpetual summer. That might be slightly inaccurate, scientifically speaking. I could look it up but that seems like a waste of my Internet time. My point is that even when it rains, the overall temperature isn’t all that cold—nothing compared to Portland. Which, at times, is fantastic. Scuba diving in Washington in the winter . . . it leaves a lot to be desired.
So as a place to go for a relaxing week off, I highly recommend Heron Island—especially if you are short on character. Snorkeling with a shark should fix that pretty quickly. And it can be nice to get away from the Internet and just disappear. Although if you are like me, three days into it and you’ll find yourself willing to fork over any amount of cash to Brett the bartender in exchange for time online. Three dollars for twenty minutes suddenly sounds generous. I’m only slightly embarrassed to perpetuate the stereotype of the Internet obsessed American tourist. Mainly, I enjoy chatting with Brett and the other locals every time I inevitably return (in twenty minute increments) to extend my time. They mock but they also seem to think I’m a good kind of crazy, so I’ve got that going for me.
And what is everyone else on my program doing as I write this? Studying for the exam we have tomorrow that’s worth twenty-five percent of our grade. I have every intention of doing the same later. After I post this online, concentrate on my latest work in progress, go snorkeling and procrastinate. But, you know, I’ll get to it. Eventually.
More later,

Marni